刑 {kei}

Before I go on, I'll just put in what I forgot to say in the previous blog. The winner of the contest gets a free ticket to go with the hosts of TKTV to Paris for a few days in July for an event (it could be a convention?), and the winning piece will be worn by Aoki Misako (popular KERA model) in a japan fashion show. Something like that.

So today was the deadline for my OP project.
But.
I couldn't turn it in.
Even after all the immense sacrificing I did (not being able to ship any customer packages, barely doing any school work unless I was actually in school, not coming online [my internet was even cut off for like two days and I didn't even know]), not even replying to text messages from friends, I could not finish it in time. It turned out I couldn't use Sayo's machine after all cause she was busy with her own school stuff, and the school machines are out of the question-- it takes forever to set them, and by the time I'm into the sewing groove it's time to leave. There's also the high chance I would have chosen a machine that has totally messed up thread tension cause the idiot using it before me was an 18 yr. old with stupid clumsy paws and no knowledge of correct usage of a sewing machine.

Luckily, by the grace of all things good and holy, I actually got to borrow a machine from bucktick. Thanks again, Rebecca. (TvT)
But the next problem was one that I didn't even know was there until it was too late: time management. I got the machine on Sunday, but didn't work on the OP that night because I was too tired from staying up the day before doing patterning (which I really should have done days before, like around when I made my last post on here. Stupid idiot kei). On Monday night, I just slept, thinking I'd have plenty time to work on it on the other days. On Tuesday night, I was curled up in bed with period pains, but woke up early in the morning before school to finally get started on sewing. On Wednesday night, I did some more, which sadly did not last long because I fell asleep while working, around 2 am. And last night, was pretty much a complete repeat of Weds. And why didn't I work in the day, you ask? School. I got home around 7pm on average, did some home work, started sewing around 12am, and then, I fell asleep pretty soon after that.

There was so much filming too. By the end of the week I wanted to punch the next camera I saw. On Weds, Shin came to film me working on the OP in my school atmosphere. On Thursday, I was filmed in my room sewing. This one I didn't mind so much cause I want my lovery room shown on TV anyway :> Then Friday (today, the due date of the project), filming of a presentation of my piece in front of about 30 lolita girls who were gathered at a gallery for a Baby event, who were there to vote on which piece they liked. Did I mention I didn't finish my OP?


As you can see, it's really still in its early stages. Whereas my competition (which is actually just one girl named Yoshie) presented this beautiful elaborate gold and brown and raspberry dress. Needless to say, it was incredibly embarrassing. I was on the verge of tears for the entire night. And on top of that, being asked things by the camera man like "So kei, why didn't you finish your project on time?", "You were so sure you would make the deadline, what happened?", "Yoshie has finished hers in the same time you had; what do you think about that?". All I could think (but didn't say it of course) was "( -____-) I want to go home. I really regret participating in this. I had enough stress in my life already." I'm surprised I didn't end up crying on camera.
However, the presentation itself wasn't a complete train wreck. Luckily, I took along my sketch of the OP, so during my speech, I talked about the challenges I had when making it that took up a lot of my time, and described what I'd be adding to the OP, and about my theme. The girls were actually quite friendly, and asked a lot of interested questions, so the more I got to talk about it, the less anxious I felt. Still, the questions from the cameraman really cut. Another was "Don't you think it will be unfair to Yoshie that you get extra time to work on your piece after this before the next judging? She finished hers in a small amount of time." So I said "I really don't care about winning. I just want to show people my finished piece, because I'm proud of my design and want others to see my mental image made into a real object."

We don't yet know when the next judging will be (I think it will be by well-known designers this time-- I heard Mana will be one of them), but until then I have to finish my piece. I also have to re-vamp some things. The sizing is weird and some parts don't fit each other when I sew them together. This is what I get for making my own patterns.

By the way, I thought I'd mention that Yoshie's mom made her entire piece. Yoshie herself designed it, but the construction was all done by her mother. I designed mine too, but had to battle Time to try to make it in under two weeks by myself. Wanna talk about unfair? I think that's unfair. I'm cool with Yoshie's mom making her dress, but I don't think I should be made out to be some kind of lazy fool because I couldn't finish mine. I had no one to make my dress for me.


I'm genuinely afraid. I don't have enough confidence in my seamstressing to make this perfectly. I regret getting into this in the first place.

I leave you with...
Today's fashion snap:

Wearing some of like, the only Baby I have

So that whole "we're going to give you about a month to design and make something for the show", has been cut down to two fucking weeks. Actually, less than two weeks, to make a One-piece I designed. As you dudes may know, I don't have a sewing machine at the moment. This is turning out fucked-tastic. With a whole month I could have worked on it in school, but now that I only have like, Days to do this, I had to find a friend who'd be willing to let me go to their house on a few days to work on my project. After asking a few people and getting turned down cause they have their own school assignments to do, it was looking pretty glum til Sayo said I can go to her house whenever I need to. Such an angel (TvT) Though that still doesn't mean it's clear sailing...I've still gotta make this whole thing.  It's crunch-time DX

My weekend was so busy. On Friday the director for the episode, a guy named Shin, came with me to Yuzawaya in Kamata, which is a cluster of crafty stores bearing the same name. There's a separate building for Fabric, Trims, Accessory parts, flowers, etc; pretty awesome. My task was to pick out the fabric and trims I need to make the outfit, and talk about the stuff I was buying while being filmed. It was just Shin with the camera, so I wasn't all that nervous. It was actually kinda fun. Though it took some getting used to talking to him in Japanese since we always speak in English off-camera.




cream-colored fabric (main fabric for OP), pink dot-tulle (decoration), candy-like buttons. they didn't have the lace I was looking for, so I bought the pictured above lace from YJA :3
Saturday unfortunately, I wasted....I slept til real late, and then watched movies and ate ice cream. Thinking back on it, I really should have done some homework, since it's proving to be really hard balancing this project with school assignments :/

Sunday I met up with my old friend Sawa, from when I used to live in Wakayama (who now lives in Nagoya with her bf), and the three of us went to Design Festa, which is a fairly big semi-annual event (think something like a convention?) where local artists set up booths selling everything from stationery to art to clothing to toys to jewelry, etc., and there are various musical performances too (but none of which I saw lol). Looking at all the booths took soooo long. And there were still some floors I didn't get to go to (>_<) Looking forward to the next one in November!

Bought goods!

poster, bracelet, and zipper pull charm -- combined they were only about 1000yen :o


Memorable stuff!

giant saw outside of Design Festa. if you look closely, you can see it cutting into the ground XD



(rather sloppy lol) Sweets house



absolutely beautiful Blythe display. i love the colors (*v*)♥



really cute old folk lol



doll that looks like my friend Myk (it's the only reason it was worth a picture haha)



freaking adorable robot-chan <333 and no, unfortunately, it's not him that costs 500yen, he's not even for sale! :c he was just advertising some cellphone straps-- they weren't even mini-versions of him or anything ]<



gross snotty-nosed girl. the snot even moved. i took a short video clip
A few of the booths I really liked and/or the ones I bought stuff from had business cards with their site URLs, so here's a few if you're ever bored:

hime ichigo shop -- My pancake girl poster is by this brand
Strawberry Bear
Une fraise rose
Fundoshi Fantasy -- I really liked this cause it reminded me of RPG characters
cioccomoca

Okayyyy, now I have to clean up my room some (again, I know, I'm always cleaning this place). Then do some homework. Tomorrow after school I'm going to Sayo's place to work on this ridiculously last-minute project. God, I hope I can finish this in time.

I leave you with, THE FUCKING CRUNCH.
Saboo's cuuuuuute :'D

I am so hungover. My head's all swimmy, my stummy hurts, and I feel slightly bomitious (aka.nauseous). The party last night was kinda rad. Not awesome, but good enough. I was half hour late cause my friggin set of drawers got delivered a day earlier than scheduled, and I had to go to the ATM to withdraw money to pay for it since it's pay-on-delivery. But since this is the life of kei, fucking paypal decided to lock my debit card and I couldn't take out any money. The set was heavy though so the delivery guy left it with me and said he'd be back in the morning to collect payment.
Anyway, back to last night. At first I couldn't find the izakaya the party was at and wandered around Kabuki-chou (area in Shinjuku where all the hosts linger about looking for girls to come to their clubs) for awhile waiting for one of my friends to pick up their cell (>_<) This host(?) stopped me and was like "Hey, weren't you on TV?" And I'm rushing here and there in my all-pink outfit, pink frilly umbrella, pink heart-shaped sunglasses, and pink headphones, looking like a freak, who had no time to stop and talk to a host or whatever he was. I just smiled and said "Yeah! :D" and kept walking, but I didn't shake him well enough cause next thing I knew he was front of me again. IDK if he wanted to make friends or w/e but I had no time for it lol. But right then, my friend Chloe popped out of no where and I...think I jumped up and down haha. I hadn't seen her in like a week. Then the guy is talking to the both of us. My friends from the party finally called me back and when I looked around again, Chloe had dissappeared lol. So I was like "Laters" to the host(?) and ran to the izakaya.

Unfortunately some of my favorite people couldn't make it! Like Ji-hye (a korean girl who speaks native-level Japanese and really good english too; if I had to say who my best friend was in that class, it was definitely her, we hung out alot), Jun (a hilarious lunatic who rides a motorcycle, kick-boxes, and looks like Ryuk from DeathNote [in a cute way lol]; he has a ridiculous almost internet sense of humour and I learned alot of funny Japanese phrases from him, and Isobe (a tall dorky bassist who thinks Kanon from an-cafe is cool (lolz); it's so fun to pick on him-- for everything haha). Luckily Sayo (a self-confident pretty little stick figure of a girl who looks upto me like a sister; cool cause she's a real go-getter, never afraid to say what's on her mind, which is kind of rare to find here) and Juno (korean dude who was like one of the most mature in the class but fun to hang out with, ilu korean guys (;__;)) came to the party though.

a. b.a. Jun and Ji-hye (drunk), from last June. He doesn't look that much like Ryuk here, but when he smiles (big smile not the weird drunk smile in the pic) it's pretty uncanny. Sharp canines too. It's pretty lolable. We had alot of apple jokes on him.
b. Sayo when she came to sleep over, wearing as many of my hair clips as I could fit on her head.

I was surprised that even though I was half hour late, they waited for me before they started drinking (T^T) They all seemed really happy to see me (even though it wasn't the people I hung out with the most during the actual year). It was all you can drink w/ food course for 2500yen per person. I drank soooo much. And I went around to everyone's tables and talked to all of them. I was surprisingly social. I guess I missed them more than I realised. I wish my new classmates could be as cool.
We left the izakaya around 10pm, and next was all-night karaoke til morning, but since my stupid debit card was still locked, and I only had money to get home, that was all I could do. Go home (-___-) Buuuuut it all turned out for the best, cause I fell apart only minutes after I came home. Throw ups, fallings, passing outs. Thankfully there was no one around to see me being so uncool 8D

Now 12 hrs later, I'm still feeling it. And stupid paypal card still won't give me my money. The delivery guy came back and since I couldn't pay, he took my damn drawers set back. This card better be working later so I can have this thing re-delivered. My room looks like crap cause I don't have anywhere to put my clothes but on the floor...



Well, onto more...infuriating news. Yesterday afternoon, I was called Gorie by some high school dudes. This is Gorie.


So...the reason Japanese males don't like me, is because I look like a guy in drag? I wanted to cry. And beat their faces to one mushy red pulp with a bat.
I guess looking like a man to other people is a good reason to go on a real diet and size down, instead of just saying it all the time huh. My lolita blouses don't fit anymore. My skirts waistbands are cutting into me like never before. Pretty sad state of affairs.

I'm alive!!! Again.

I dunno why, but it's so hard to keep up to date with my journaling. I remember back in h.s., I'd post like 3 times a week at the least. Life was complicated back then though lol. Now it's uhh...just stressful. Straightforward, but stressful.
Anyway, I suppose I've been doing alright. School started back last month, and it's going fine, the money situation is getting better-- still not a bawler lol, but I'm alright.

For the past few days I've been watching Supernatural in all its awesomeness (*q*) So obsessed <3
My room's a freaking mess though, I have to clean it up, and work on some more of the interior decorating.

Good news though, I'm going to be on Tokyo Kawaii TV again :O But a little scary this time...I'm going to be competing against some other lolita girls in designing and making an outfit. I'm so nervous. I actually really don't have that much confidence in my clothing-making. The designing part is fine, but the actual making, ughhhh, I don't think I'm so good really (>_<) The cameraman's gonna be coming here to film me while working on the thing too, so that's another reason I wanna improve up my room some. I'm meeting with the director of the episode this week to get the full details on the episode, so I'll probably write about it again here. Sure wish I'd get serious about my diet already.

Whoa, looks like I didn't have that much to say, haha.

On Friday, there's a party with my old class (since it's a new semester it's a new class and new people [sadly DX ]), so I'm really looking forward to that. The kids in my new class are nice, but the old class was filled with exceptionally fun and crazy people :O

I think I'm gonna put at least one pic in all my entries from now on. Words suck lol. And they're boring. Pics draw interest! So, uhh, here's my sweets candle display. I'd been collecting these candles for a couple months. Most of them have a nice slight sweet vanilla cake smell, but the big ones, the ice cream sandwich and blueberry muffin smell a little weird. Like strawberry and blueberry, but very perfumy (X_x) I finally found a good stand to put them on, and decorated it with lace and plastic bow the other day, and voila! Perfect for my room's theme :3

Before:


After:

*click for enlarge :D

This is the worst month of my life because...it can be. Simply because it can. Sometimes I think my life likes to see just how miserable it can make me before I have the periodic mental breakdown.

(financial) Bad financial problems are bad. I'd been failing to properly budget for the past 2 months or so, and now have like, no money for myself. I have money for shopping service orders, but the commission fee disappears cause I'm in debt to a few people. Last Saturday I had a total of 183yen in all. Things are awful at home, and my dad is broke, yet still trying to send me money periodically, so I don't want to tell him, that I'm quite late in paying the rent. Because of a sudden family emergency I have to go back to America for a bit during Spring Vacation, which is another few hundred spent there.
My cash card expires at the end of the month. The new one has arrived to my home in NY. My dad activated it the day before yesterday without thinking. So now the one I have doesn't work, I cannot withdraw any money until I have the new one, which we had to spend $41 on to international express it.

(work) I had to resort to selling my closet. You never realise how attached you are to just clothes and accessories. Fortunately I've made enough so that I'm not living in constant fear anymore, but I'm still treading on a thin line bordering in the red. Need more orders. AP's new series started and I got no requests for reserves. I was counting on getting alot. Since I'm waiting on that new card, I can't make any payments for auction goods. Sellers are breathing down my back, giving me deadlines I can't make, and I will most likely be given more bad feedback, which will in turn make it harder for other sellers to allow me to bid on their things, which will in turn be bad for business.

(school) I missed alot of days of school this month and the last. I just feel like nothing matters sometimes. And that life is so insignificant. I don't know. Empty feelings abound!

(social) Yesterday I went to a club event that wasn't so expensive because I'm friends with some of the DJs, to have a good time for once, and to hopefully chat up to Tetra. My friend Riri told me to come along, cause most my friends know I have difficulties talking to this guy. The party was alright, I guess. Most likely because I drank myself into false cheerfulness. I went with Erika and Riri but they disappear together alot. Luckily I had alcohol to keep me company, until I started talking to this girl named Lisa. Then things looked up a bit cause I had someone to talk to. Little later Erika broke the news to me that Riri and Tetra have been fucking for a couple weeks now. Of course, I don't have like, a real right to be upset, since he and I were never a thing and I kind of new nothing would ever happen, but Riri knew I liked him since the first time we met him. Get this: I'd said he was hot, and she said "Ew, I don't see it". What's more, she often tells me things like "go for it!", encouraging me to talk to him more. What is that? A cruel inside joke? I specifically remember a piece from last night (before I knew what's going on between them), when she brought him over to me saying "Hey hey, she wants to talk to you~". Joke's on me. Silly, ugly, fat, gaijin lolita. So I suppose Riri doesn't have that much respect for me huh. What do you guys think? Even though Tetra and I weren't a thing, once a friend calls dibs, don't you not fuck them? Am I a tool that I think that way? What really did I do, to meet "friends" like this? I never wrote about it but last year I had two other "friends", who I thought were really true. Turns out the only true thing was that they talked about me behind my back.

Sorry if my thoughts seem disconnected. I'm a little hungover.

Okay, so maybe not the worst month ever. Dec.2003 was pretty bad. But this one is a close second. The only thing that could make this month worse, is the plane I'm going home in, crashing. Wouldn't that be something. Too bad I won't be here to blog "I told you so".

Oh lawd, it's been a whole month since my last update!!! I bet you all thought I ATE TO DEATH. Well, about last time's post, I haven't gotten any better lol! As a matter of fact, I'm eating bread now-- even though I specifically banned myself from breads and fried foods! I've gained about 3cm on my waist since the summer. That is madness. I should just die. And once again! I feel my period creeping up, and I will claim to try to seriously diet when it's over this time. Note: I say this EVERY MONTH. Ugh, die. (.__. )

(There was actually more to this post, it was incredibly full of rage. So I decided to ixnay it. It might rare its head up again some other time tho lol)

I really have to stop this eating.
I don't know what's going on, but I'm having a fucking wicked case of compulsive eating disorder. I can't remember the last time I was actually truly hungry. I shove something into my face even before my stomach is empty again.

My friend Sara said sometimes people do this to fill a hole in their life, which is elementary fact, but I don't know what this missing thing could be. I've kind of always been unhappy a bit, but I've never resorted to this much "comfort-eating". Some caek here and there was normal, but I'm just eating so much lately. Not even just junk food. Too many meals in general. And this can't be too good on my wallet either. I know this is pretty bad, but I can't seem to stop. It's been like this since maybe December. A diet is way out of question, but I just want to eat normally again. I feel like my body is getting used to eating this much...

Blehhhh I have homework to do but I have painful crampy cramps and bloats. I don't wanna go to school tomorrowwwwww.
After my period is over this time, I really have to try to get off this eating addiction I'm getting into.

Does anyone have any suggestions for food that's filling, but doesn't require eating too much to get full? I guess I should start with something like that. Baby steps.

My first time listening to this album since high school. This song especially reminds me of you, because you asked to borrow the CD for it, and I thought "sweeeeet she's finally takin' an interest in Orgy >:3". I remember riding the train home with you everyday and feeling so happy, content, and safe. More than I ever was, or ever had been. And I've not felt that way again for years.

I don't know when it was that I became so lonely. Was it after high school? After John and I broke up? After I moved to Japan and can't see you anymore? Was it after I moved from Wakayama to Toyko? No..I was a little unhappy even in Wakayama.

There's something wrong with me. I don't think it's entirely because I came here; it must have started sometime before. But it sure doesn't help that I don't have you to lean on anymore.

Maybe I should lean on..medicationnnn. hmmmm.

Anyway...I really miss you rei.

So there are holes in my last night.

I went to a small party at sisen's. Very small, like...8 or 9 people. That damn guy was there. The one I mentioned in the last blog, the DJ guy. His name's Tetra. Idk, I think sisen's trying to hook me up with him. TRY HARDER PLZ CUZ THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE EZ. Bleh. He was rly hot. Even without makeup. He has a really nice nose. Which is a weird feature to pay alot of attention to, but noses are really important to me! Cause mines is fug lolz. And his voice is so ridiculous(ly cute). It's pretty light, and a little nasally. He kinda sounds like a nerd. But he looked so hot with his Night of the Living Dead t-shirt, toight black pants and studded belt. What a wondrousry lovery contoradiction.
Aaaaanyway. Even though it was such a small amount of people, he and I barely talked. I figured I'd have a few drinks first, to loosen up. Great idea, kei. I got fucking floored. I did have just a few, but it was all wine and vodka. Why god, did I put such strong liquor into my body? So yeah, one of my peepee bathroom breaks, turned into my stomach turning inside out bathroom break. I have no idea how long I sat with my head on the toilet bowl. I have tiny fragments of memory of the girls using the key to unlock the bathroom door, and dragging me to lie down in sisen's roommate's room, and rubbing my back and my head. And then I was out like a dim light.
How disappointing. I'm usually the one to take care of other people when they're drunk. I never get bleeding drunk like that. Yesterday I malfunctioned. And spent more time clutching the toilet than talking to Tetra! I didn't even get his number like I'd planned. When I woke up this morning everyone had already gone home. And yesterday I was actually pretty for once! Well, before my stomach decided to ruin my life. What a wassssste. >[

I'm not super embarrassed, cause at a drinking thingy there's always at least one person who has too much, I'm just pissed that I had a good opportunity to talk to that guy, but I blewwww itttttt. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

And the entire day today, I hobbled around hungover, with a face similar to (=.= )
I actually still feel a little off. bleh. I need to quit drinking.

First it was on shitty Pandora, but Erika managed to rip it to YouTube.

Tokyo Kawaii TV International
It's amazing how much footage they took, and how little they actually used. I wonder what happens to the leftovers. I must say though, that I really fucking hate my voice. It's ridiculously deep, and not cute at all. Maybe this is why I can't get layed. At least I looked deceptively thin when they shot me in class. :x

Last weekend I actually *gasp*, went clubbing! For the first time in mooooonths. Some event called Gothic Heaven, with Erika, Emiri, Riri(she was the goth representative for the 2nd episode of TKTV I was on), and two other girls. It was alot more fun than I expected. The last few Tokyo Decadances I'd been to sucked to high hell. The DJ--well, the lesser-known one (srsly how is sisen at EVERY event idgi) was very very cute; he looked like a goth L with crow make-up, and he likes cali≠gari ♥ I won't even bother tho lol we all know kei's (un)luck with the fellers :/ I do hope he's at the next event thooooo.

I've got to finish tidying up my room and packing more things for custies that have to be shipped tomorrow. I wish the post office could come to me. I hate taking two to three trips there and back >[

I really want to have a party here but I don't know what! I'll never make it in time for a Christmas party, so now I'm thinking about inviting over some of the local gaijin rori and having a sweets party or something. hmmm...